Prosím o opravu eseje C1 (zadání níže):

Question

Zadání:
Your class has attended a panel discussion on what role the government should play in keeping its country’s citizens healthy. You have made the notes below.
The role the government should play in keeping its country’s citizens healthy

introducing educational campaigns
regulating the cost of food
encouraging people to exercise
220 -260 words

Esej:

One could say that individuals, not government, should be responsible for their own health. However, treating illnesses that could have been prevented is payed from taxes and consumes lots of public finance, which is unfair toward the citizens who are taking care of themselves. So, is there any way for government to help?

First of all, taxing unhealthy food higher proved itself quite useful in the past. Its an unfortunate fact that obesity and overwaight are nowadays problem of the poor, more than the rich, because of heathy food expensiveness. And while buying chips in sale is quite tempting, the same ones for double prise can make many people second-guess the purchase.

Unfortunately, healthier food is only one part of the solution. When people eat too much with too lack exercise, they can get overweight, or at least unhealthy nontheless. Supporting local unprofesional sport clubs and making gyms more accessible sounds as a good option. Also making sport lessons at schools more interesting to attract students rather than scare many of them off would have an positive impact. I would also recommend some campaign agains TV; there are still people watching them all day long, which is harmful for their physical condition as much as eyes and sometimes even psychical health.

This is what the govenrnment can do. The changes will be probably slow, as proverbial leopard isn’t very willing to change its spots and some people will cling on their unhealthy lifestyle tightly, but it is an inception, and it will at least help those who are actually trying. 

Děkuji moc všem kdo si udělají čas, opravdu mi to pomůže :)

Eliii K. · Accepted Answer

First of all, taxing unhealthy food higher proved itself quite useful in the past. Its an unfortunate fact that obesity and overweight are nowadays problem of the poor, more than the rich, because of heathy food expensiveness. And while buying chips in sale is quite tempting, the same ones for double price can make many people second-guess the purchase.

Unfortunately, healthier food is only one part of the solution. When people eat too much with too lack of exercise, they can get overweight, or at least unhealthy nontheless. Supporting local unprofesional sport clubs and making gyms more accessible sounds as a good option. Also making sport lessons at schools more interesting to attract students rather than scare many of them off would have an positive impact. I would also recommend some campaign against TV; there are still people watching television all day long, which is harmful for their physical condition as much as eyes and sometimes even psychical health.

This is what the government can do. The changes will be probably slow, as proverbial leopard isn’t very willing to change its spots and some people will hold to their unhealthy lifestyle tightly, but it is an inception, and it will at least help those who are actually trying.

Answer

Here is the whole text:

One could say that individuals, not the government, should be responsible for their own health. However, treating illnesses that could have been prevented is paid from taxes and consumes lots of public finance, which is unfair toward the citizens who are taking care of themselves. So, is there any way for the government to help?

First of all, increasing taxes on unhealthy food proved itself quite useful in the past. It is unfortunate that obesity and overweight are nowadays problems of the poor, more than the rich, because of healthy food expensiveness. While buying chips on sale is quite tempting, the same ones for double the price can make many people second-guess the purchase.

Unfortunately, healthier food is only one part of the solution. When people eat too much without much exercise, they can get overweight, or at least unhealthy, nonetheless. Supporting local unprofessional sports clubs and making gyms more accessible sounds like a good option. Also, making sports lessons at schools more interesting to attract students rather than scare many of them off might have a positive impact as well. I would also recommend some campaigns against TV; there are still people watching them all day long, which is harmful to their physical condition as much as eyes and sometimes even psychical health.

These are some examples of what the government can do. The changes will probably be slow, as the proverbial “leopard is not very willing to change its spots” and some people will cling to their unhealthy lifestyle tightly, but it is inception, and it will at least help those who are actually trying.

Adriana V. · Answer

Thenk you too😊

Dominika N. · Answer

Hi Adriana! I specialize in Cambridge exam preparation and have writing and speaking courses specifically focused on that, so if you'd like some help, please contact me. I see my colleagues have already corrected your essay, so I am not going to do that, but here are a few general pointers:
-make sure your spelling is correct
-avoid repetition when possible (instead of can, you can sometimes use may/might/be able to/be possible)
-for C1 & C2 level - avoid mentioning your opinion (I think, I believe, I would say...) and "hide" it instead - your sentence: I would also recommend some campaign against TV. new sentence: There should/could be campaigns regarding the unhealthy effects of spending too much time in front of the television. OR A general recommendation could be to create campaigns...
-avoid extremely simple adjectives (good, bad, big, small) and use more advanced ones (beneficial, negative, immense, minute) etc.
-use more advanced linking words and connectors (therefore, despite that, consequently, as well as...)
Hope this helps :)

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Prosím o opravu eseje C1 (zadání níže):

Запитай зараз

Відповідні запитання

Репетитори anglický jazyk

Martina G.

Kamila J.

Klára P.

Belyy

Pavel A.

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